Lightheaded

Hello Everybody :)

I am 'officially' on off until I fly off on 14 Mar. The O-word is there because even though I am given permission to disappear for the time being, I will be heading back to camp to clear some stuff. I feel rather lightheaded today, I'm naturally guessing there's something wrong with the blood pressure in my head. Perhaps sleeping more and drinking more sugary coke might help heh :)

Whenever it comes to weekends (for my army life), I kind of feel like I am in a limbo, floating around in time and not knowing who exactly I am. I feel lost when it comes to telling others about myself. Sounds confusing? I'll explain below...

Since my secondary days, I always wanted to be a good listener. Someone who you could share your worries and help out. I focused on mainly listening intently to others and perhaps give a well-thought line or two later on. I theorised that the best way of making good use of someone else's time was listening to him/her, digest what was said, think of what good I can say (and keeping it concise). Who would want to listen to a chatterbox?

Well, from practical experience I was just being a 'thermometer'. I only knew how to take stock of the surroundings and that was about it with regard to my involvement with others. On hindsight, I deceived myself thinking that I was doing my best for others by just recording my surroundings and being in touch with a spectrum of different people.

Although my NS life is not tough by physical standards, it has its own challenges and I would admit right here that it is not easy. With a new batch of clerks, the old feeling of 'buddy buddy' (or openness) has gone. Cliques have formed and there is distrust. A couple are Christians but (not to be self-righteous myself) they are not witnessing well. Other than being friendly with both sides, discharging my duties, obeying superiors, I haven't done much to the branch. You can say I didn't witness well in this respect.

People say that when you are loving, you really go out there and do something for others. God is about love and He commanded us to love others. Right now I somehow cannot think of what I have done for others. Either I don't painstakingly record everything I did, or maybe I just didn't do anything much at all. This is possibly a huge source of my feeling of 'lost-ness'.

After some introspection, I want to be a 'thermostat'! Not only be sensitive to the conditions, but able influence others for God. None of that power and position rubbish, but to be someone who connects out to others, is actively aware of what is going on in their lives, and does something for them. People would reject me outright for what I've just typed here.

I have 1.5 months of military service left and you can say I initially felt down that I won't be able to be involved with the guys in the branch. Too late to witness to them? God has good timing and it is my wish to use my remaining time well for God. A tip to some: whenever you feel uptight/worried, pray to God.

Maybe I would need to open myself up to others, let others have a clearer picture of who I really am. Not to the point that I carelessly give away PIN numbers! Main aim is not about me, but to build bridges of strong foundation which are open channels for God's Work.

Chief of Army once said, we need to breathe out more in order to breathe in. He was talking about hhow to have a good NS experience: workout for your time in the army and you would enjoy the fruits of your labour. In context, how can I know others better (breathe in) when I don't open myself up (breathe out)?

Right now, it is my prayer God, you are sovereign in my life. The past 2 years have contributed to my maturity and even as my army term is ending, I would like to make it a fruitful 1.5 months. To witness before my army time ends and to mature further when I go overseas for a month. Perhaps seriously improve on my involvement with others.

Hope I didn't bore any of you guys to comatose haha. This was an episode of introspection and thanks for reading :) Maybe I might come up with something on a brighter note next time ;-) Well I've gotta go now...

From now 'til then, I wish you all the best for the days ahead!
Joshua